I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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