my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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