Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize