I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
