a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you would pick up someone in the library
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
