between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
