If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
