I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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