i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
