Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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