dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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