wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
