you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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