Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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