On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
