uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
