She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.