He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
