i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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