so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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