after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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