mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
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She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The uberlube is also flammable
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.