She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
false alarm, still single
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
