There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
