you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
