I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
