I queefed so loud it echoed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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