um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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