Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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