First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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