she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
