i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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