im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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