Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
