listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
