I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
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Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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