Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
