have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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