Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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