the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
