you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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