im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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