remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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