So drunk its hurt
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
