I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You were trust falling into bushes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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