So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
