she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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