Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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