it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
