he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
