everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
