Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
